Why Christmas Trees are better...

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's worn out and you're tired of it.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees enjoy it when you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

My Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So, here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........

....."Tag! You're it."

I do speek good, two

Illiterate management strikes again!!!
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Sent: Fri 10/26/07 3:32 PM
Subject: Christmas party!

If everyone that want’s to go please e-mail me with what restraint they would like to eat at and what day and time ( we need to do it before Dec 12 so I can redeem are 25.00 gift card if not we loose it). We’ve discussed a few already, some of you want it after Saturday work day and some want it Saturday night or during the week, some restaurants are not open before 4:00 so keep this in mind. Do you mind driving across town to the west side? If I hear from each of you we will go with the majority vote. If you want to bring your spouse, children or friend that’s fine, the only thing is they will need to pay for themselves if we go over $200.00 that’s all I can afford. Sorry! If you can think of another restaurant let me no. Please no Chop house or Ruby’s.

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Sent: Friday, October 26, 2007 3:49 PM
Subject: RE: Christmas party!

Girl, I never "restraint" myself when I eat at restaurants.

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Sent: Fri 10/26/07 3:52 PM
Subject: RE: Christmas party!

SORRY FOR THE TYPE O IN THE FIRST LINE IT SHOULD BE RESTRURAUNT.

China orders strict curbs on 'Idol'-style TV shows

from Yahoo! News:

BEIJING (AFP) - China has ordered strict curbs on "American Idol"-style TV shows, including a ban on voting via the Internet, telephone or text messages, state media reported Saturday.

The rules also say participants must be healthy and mature, while hosts of the reality TV programmes should not flirt with each other or be nasty.

Such talent shows have become hugely popular in China, with new programmes based on the same basic concept proliferating on TV channels right across the vast nation.

Inviting the public to cast votes had been seen by some observers as, in a small way, education in democratic procedures.

But when the latest rules from the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television take effect October 1, only the studio audience will be allowed to vote, the Xinhua news agency reported.

Also, the shows will no longer be broadcast during prime time evening hours between 7:30 pm and 10:30 pm, Xinhua said, presumably a measure meant to curb the viewership.

It appeared one reason for the crackdown was a view that participants were negative role models for the young.

"TV stations must select qualified candidates who show characteristics such as perseverance, maturity, confidence, and health," Xinhua quoted the rules as saying.

"The hairstyle, dress and remarks of candidates should accord with aesthetic values of the general public."

The rules also warned hosts against "flirting with each other," and making "inflammatory or sensational remarks," according to Xinhua.

Chuckles

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said .
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said:
"I'd like them to say, ‘Look, he's moving!’"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down…

"Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

1957 vs. 2007

- Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatised students and teachers.

- Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

- Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

- Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

- Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

- Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007- Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

- Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

- Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Virus warning

There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.


The End

Amaze Your Friends!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod appaer.

The olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.

You can thorw your Tsheaurus
& yuor Dictinoray out the wndiow.

You can splel any way you wnat.

See waht I maen?

I do speek good

This is an email I received at work today. Exactly as I received: grammar, spelling and punctuation in tact.

Lets brain storm and see what we can do to bring up are score, please let me no if you have some Idea’s. Last month was not so good for us we ended up at 66%, were a great team and I believe were the best of the best. I no you all have some Idea floating around.

Sometimes -- I just don't know...

Cabin Fever

WTF?

I can't believe I wasted 93 minutes of my life watching this movie!
What a piece of crap!
I can't think of one redeeming thing to this.
Well, maybe the sex scene where the girl was giving it to the guy with a strap-on. I mean, seriously, how often to you see stuff like that?
But damn.
Just crap.
And there was no kind of explanation or anything:

• Did the people who lived in the town know about this disease/creature/thing/whatever?
• What the hell was it?
• Where did it come from?

I mean, c'mon, something!!! Throw us a bone for cryin' out loud!
I'm totally convinced that the writers came up with the idea for the final scene, and then had to figure out a way to write a story that led up to it. Like, "Ha! Look what's happening now!!"

It didn't work.

I want my 93 minutes back.

Hung Like a Horse

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Text Your Friends!

Whats wrong with ur phone? Evrytime I call it says The subscriber uR tryn 2 reach is currently Givin Head Please try again later! lol

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why he crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side? That is why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&& ; ^( C \
... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

I'm tired

Well, I was gonna write something today. But I couldn't think of anything interesting. And I'm really tired right now and want to sleep. So that's it. 'Night.

Why is everyone calling me?

I never get phone calls. I never talk on the phone.
Well, I used to never, after Tyler transfered to Bearden, we talk at least a couple times a week.
And then a couple months ago I met Chad on MySpace and we've become pretty good friends and talk on the phone 4 or 5 times a week. But other than that...
But today in the space of an hour I had 4 phone calls.
One from a lady at work (although she's in Memphis) about 15 minutes to close because I ordered some supplies from the wrong vendor -- which wouldn't have happened if anyone had let everyone know about the change. (I swear, if gravity didn't keep their feet on the ground, the morons that run this company wouldn't know which end their pants were supposed to go on!)
I hang up the phone and I'm told I have another call waiting. It's my best friend Phil (who I don't talk to as much as I should), wanting to finalize some plans for his L.A. trip next week.
As we're walking out the door, my friend Tyler calls me to tell me how his interview went.
And then as I'm pulling into my driveway, Chad called.
When it rang that last time, I was like "WTF!?"
I've never felt so popular! LOL!