Differences Between Women and Men

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth, and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337...

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that...is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.

10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Snapdragon

The Price of Gas vs, ???

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline...

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ... $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ... $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER ...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49 ... $21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source!

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ...
$5,200.00 a gallon!

So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, yikes!, Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump ...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper!

Putting Your Affairs in Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those HUSSIES sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

NOW--- That's "Putting Your Affairs in Order"

Beware Windwashing Scam!!

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No," and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back-seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also May 2nd, 5th, 7th, 12th, 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st, 24th, twice on the 28th, three times this past Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Funny, Cute....and CLEAN!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there!?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME!"

Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Why Christmas Trees are better...

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's worn out and you're tired of it.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees enjoy it when you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.